The Doctor of Oz
by PeaceLoveAndCheese
Summary: What happens when I insert my family members into a Wizard of Oz story that mixes with Doctor Who? Well, nothing bad... really. Written as a one-shot for my little sister's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEIRDRE! So... basically, click on the title link thingy up there, just because a summary is to convince you to do that, right? Well, are you convinced yet?


**Well, hi there everyone! This is just a short, 9 page one-shot I wrote for my sister for her birthday with her as the main character. Al and Em are two of my other sisters. Thought you guys would like it.**

**BTW, the reason for the slight Martha bashing is that my sister hates Martha with a passion. So don't like, don't read.**

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN! I DON'T OWN! NEITHER DOCTOR WHO OR THE WIZARD OF OZ! BECAUSE I'M NOT AS TROLLY AS STEVEN MOFFAT!**

* * *

Deirdre was a young girl who lived in her home in the country with her two sisters, Em and Al. They all lived on a small farm on the plains of Kansas. They didn't really do much farming however. Al and Em usually wasted the day away inside, playing with their laptops or watching their big screen TV. Deirdre, however, loved to wander around outside, with her dog. She often spent time sitting on the misshapen hay bales around their yard and singing about random things, such as how life would be better if she were somewhere else.

"_SoooooomeeeeeeWHEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRE! Over the..." _Deirdre paused. "_Over the... over the..._" She thought about it for a while. "_Over that hill over there! Way up high!" _She twirled about, her gingham dress spinning around her ankles.

"DEIRDRE!" Al hollered from inside the house. "GET ME SOME MORE ROOT BEER!"

"DON'T DO IT!" yelled Em. "YOU KNOW HOW SHE GETS WHEN SHE'S DRUNK!"

"YOU CAN'T GET DRUNK OFF OF ROOT BEER, IDIOT!"

"NORMAL PEOPLE CAN'T, MAYBE! BUT YOU CAN, BUTTERFACE!"

"TWERP!"

"DUNCE!"

"COW!"

"DIRTBAG!"

"WENCH!"

"BUTTHEAD!"

"OH REAL MATURE!"

"LARDTURD!"

"THAT'S IT! YOU WANNA GO?"

"ANYWHERE YOU'RE NOT, BUFFALO!"

Deirdre sighed and started off across the yard, away from her yelling sisters. She grabbed a fence post and hugged it. "Oh, I wish that I was away from here. I want to find my own way in this world!"

"DEIRDRE! COME IN HERE AND CHANGE THE CHANNEL!" Em shrieked.

"YOU GET UP OFF YOUR FAT BUTT AND DO IT!" Al screamed.

"YOU'RE FAT!"

"YOU'RE UGLY!"

"YOU'RE HIDEOUS!"

"YOU'RE GHASTLY!"

"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!" Deirdre shouted back at the both of them.

"SHUT UP, DEIRDRE!"

Deirdre scowled in the general direction of the house and continued on her romp around the yard. "_Always look on the bright side of life... _oh, wait, wrong musical."

"DEIRDRE! GET INSIDE!" Em suddenly screamed from the house.

Deirdre rolled her eyes and kept walking and singing, her little dog romping behind her.

"DEIRDRE! GET IN HERE! WE WERE JUST WATCHING THE NEWS!"

"I don't care!" Deirdre called back benignly.

"SERIOUSLY! GET IN HEEEEEERRRRRRRRRREEEEEEE!" Al shrieked at the top of her lungs.

"No!" Deirdre called sweetly.

"THERE'S A TORNADO COMING!"

Deirdre gasped and looked up at the sky. Suddenly, because of movie magic, a tornado had suddenly appeared in the sky and was heading straight for Deirdre.

Deirdre screamed and grabbed her dog and started running for the house. Before she could get there, though, a blue box suddenly appeared before her. Not questioning the random materialization of the box, Deirdre pushed open the doors and ran inside. She didn't have time to see what was inside, when the box jolted and started shaking, throwing Deirdre to the floor and knocking her out.

* * *

When Deirdre opened her eyes, light was filtering in the box's windows.

"Ow," she said, pressing a hand to her head. Deirdre stood up and pushed against the doors to the box, gasping when she saw what lay in front of her.

It was amazing! Bright colors and flowering planets were scattered along the countryside that Deirdre could see. There were rolling hills and flowing streams. It was so beautiful, it made Deirdre feel like singing.

"_A whole new world! A new fantastic point of view!" _Deirdre sang happily.

"Wrong movie!" a little voice called.

Deirdre looked down to see a little white blob dressed in fancy clothes gazing up at her.

"Who are you?" Deirdre asked in surprise.

"We are the Adipose of Munchkinland!" the little thing said.

**"Affirmative mistress."**

"K-9!" Deirdre exclaimed. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore! This looks more like South Dakota!" She stopped for a moment. "And you can talk?"

**"Affirmative."**

"_We are the Adipose of Munchkinland!_" A whole crowd of Adipose were crowding Deirdre. "_We wish to welcome you to Munchkinland!"_

"Um..." Deirdre said, confused.

"It's the good witch!" an Adipose yelled.

Deirdre looked up. A round pink bubble was slowly descending downwards towards the crowds. The Adipose were cheering as the bubble landed and popped, revealing a blonde woman in a dress sporting the Union Jack.

"Why, hello there!" the woman said. "I'm Rose Tyler, the good witch of the Ninth!"

"What?" Deirdre said.

"Welcome to our fair city of Munchkin Land!" Rose said cheerfully. "We would like to thank you for ridding us of Martha, the Wicked Witch of the Eastenders!"

Deirdre looked down and spotted a pair of legs sticking out from under the blue box.

"Oh dear," Deirdre said.

"It's so wonderful!" Rose exclaimed, clapping her hands. "The ruby-red Converse are now yours!"

"_Ding-dong the witch is dead!_" sang the Adipose, skipping around gleefully.

"Shouldn't you be calling the police?"

"Police?" asked Rose.

"Never mind," Deirdre said.

"How can we ever thank you?" said an Adipose, who was wearing a shiny badge on his chest that said **Mayor**.

Deirdre thought for a moment. "I want a unicorn!"

Rose and the Adipose looked at each other for a moment.

"A unicorn?" Rose asked. "Well then, my dear, just follow the gray cobblestone pavement! It will lead you to Cardiff, where the most powerful, most wonderful, most greatest, most... most..."

"Sexy!" an Adipose put in.

"... Most sexy Doctor of Oz lives! He will grant your wish for a unicorn."

"Yay!" Deirdre said. "_Unicorns I love them, unicorns I love them, uni-uni-unicorns I love them!"_

"Wrong movie!"

"Sorry."

"Just be warned," Rose said, shaking her finger, "There is another Wicked Witch, a Wicked Witch of the Wild West... also called Martha. She will be after the ruby-red Converse, so beware!"

Deirdre pulled the Converse onto her feet.

"Follow the gray cobblestone pavement! Follow the gray cobblestone pavement!" Rose and the Adipose began singing as Deirdre skipped off down the road, K-9 following behind her. "_Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the gray cobblestone pavement!_"

Their singing faded in the distance as Deirdre made her way out of town.

* * *

It was too soon, in her opinion, when she came to a crossroads.

"Oh dear!" Deirdre exclaimed. "Which way shall we go, K-9?"

**"Affirmative, Mistress." **K-9 said.

Deirdre sighed and looked around.

"Where ya headed?" a voice suddenly asked.

Deirdre gasped. "Who's there?"

"Me!" the voice said. "Behind you."

Deirdre spun around. In the field of corn behind her, there was a man hanging on a post. "Who are you?"

"I'm Mickey the Idiot," the man said. "Who are you?"

"Why, I'm a little girl," said Deirdre. "My name is Deirdre. I can't figure out which way to go?"

"Where ya headed?" Mickey asked.

"To see the Doctor! In the city of Cardiff! I'm going to ask him for a unicorn!"

"Really?" Mickey exclaimed. "All the way to the TARDIS Blue City! D'ya mind if I come with you? I've been meaning to ask him for something myself."

"What?" Deirdre wondered.

Mickey grinned. "_I could wile away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers, consultin' with the rain. And my head I'd be scratchin' while my thoughts were busy hatchin' if I only had a brain!_"

Deirdre clapped. "That was very good! Of course you can come along with me and K-9 to Cardiff! Let's go!"

The pair of them linked arms and started down the road, singing, "_We're off to see the Doctor! The wonderful Doctor of Oz!_"

**"Affirmative."**

* * *

After many long minutes of walking, they came to the edge of a forest.

"Do we have to go into the creepy forest to get to the TARDIS Blue City?" Mickey wondered.

"I think so," Deirdre said. She straightened her shoulders bravely and began to make her way into the forest, when she was interrupted by a voice.

"Oiiiiillllll ccaaaaaannnnn..." the voice said.

"What?" Mickey asked, looking around.

"Look!" Deirdre pointed to a man dressed mostly in metal who was standing nearby.

"Oiiiiilllll ccccaaaannnnn..." the man repeated.

"I think he wants his oil can." Deirdre grabbed the metal can from it's resting place by the man's feet and started moving around him, oiling the various bits and bobs that she could see needed some work.

Slowly the man gasped and shook out his limbs. "Oh thank you!"

"No problem," Mickey said.

"Mickey, you didn't even do anything," Deirdre pointed out. "Who are you?"

The man suddenly reached up and took of his head.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHH!" Deirdre and Mickey screamed.

"No, wait!" The man held out his hands. "It's just my helmet."

True enough, there was a human face underneath the metal helmet. Deirdre got a better look at the man and realized that he wasn't actually made of metal, just dressed in it. And it wasn't all metal. He had a red cape attached to his shoulders and leather sandals on his feet.

"I'm Rory the Roman," the man said, introducing himself. "Who are you?"

"I'm Deirdre and this is Mickey the Idiot," Deirdre said. "And this is K-9."

Rory bowed slightly. "Pleased to meet you."

"Likewise."

"Me too."

**"Affirmative."**

"Where are you off to?" Rory asked the trio.

"We're going to see the Doctor of Oz in the TARDIS Blue City!" Mickey exclaimed, clapping his hands in delight.

"Really?" Rory asked. "Can I come? There's something I've been wanting to ask him for myself."

"What is it?" Deirdre asked.

"Well, you see, I seem to have misplaced my heart. I don't know where it is," Rory said sadly.

"Aw, that's okay," Deirdre said, patting him on the shoulder. "We'll go see the Doctor and he can fix you up in no time!"

"Great!" Rory said. "What are we waiting for then?"

And the three linked arms and continued skipping down the gray cobblestone pavement. "_We're off to see the Doctor! The wonderful Doctor of Oz!_"

* * *

Very soon, they were deep in the spooky forest.

"I don't like this at all," Mickey said, clinging to Rory's hand.

Rory shook him off in disgust and drew his sword.

"What do you think are in these woods?" Deirdre asked fearfully.

"Well, from what I've heard, there are Daleks!" Rory said. "And Cybermen!"

"And bunnies!" Mickey said.

Rory rolled his eyes. "No, Mickey, no bunnies. But there are... OODS!"

"Oh my!" Deirdre said.

"Daleks and Cybers and Oods!"

"Oh my!"

"Daleks and Cybers and Oods!"

"Oh my!"

"DALEKS AND CYBERS AND OODS!"

"Oh my!"

"DALEKS AND CYBERS AND OODS!"

"Oh my!"

"Hi there."

Everyone screamed and Rory found himself holding Mickey as he had jumped into Rory's arms.

"Captain Jack Harkness." As Deirdre's eyes adjusted, she saw a man sitting on a rock a few feet away, wearing a blue World War II coat. "May I make your acquaintance?"

"Oh..." Deirdre blushed and held out her hand. Captain Jack kissed it. "I'm Deirdre and the Roman is Rory and the idiot he's holding is Mickey."

Captain Jack nodded. "Hello to all of you. Where are you going? No one comes through this forest. They say it's haunted. Well, that's a lie of course... unless you count me." He wiggled his eyebrows flirtatiously.

"We're off to see the Doctor of Oz in the TARDIS Blue City," Deirdre told him.

"Really? Can I come?" Captain Jack asked.

"Of course!" Deirdre said. "What are you looking for?"

"Sex," Captain Jack said. "Wait, you mean like from the Doctor?" He thought for a moment. "Still sex. But you know, courage might be nice. I lost that when I became immortal. Don't know why, I can't really get hurt or anything, so I've got nothing to lose. Curse the writer of this story."

Lightning blasted down from the sky.

"Sorry," Captain Jack squeaked.

"Well, okay then!" Deirdre exclaimed. "Let's go, everybody!"

They all linked arms and started skipping out of the forest. "_We're off to see the Doctor! The wonderful Doctor of Oz!_"

* * *

The five of them soon exited the forest, coming to a large blue gate.

"Whoa..." Deirdre said.

The TARDIS Blue City definitely lived up to it's name. Everything was a deep shade of blue. The buildings were tall and majestic and rising out from the middle of the city was a giant Police Call Box.

"We're here!" Mickey fell on his face and started kissing the ground. Rory yanked him back up.

They all entered the city. The inside was even more magnificent than the outside. Various life forms scooted around, talking and selling and buying things from each other. There were fabulous blue clothes in the shop windows, along with sweets and breads and cheeses. There was every store to be imagined and more. Deirdre felt like she was in her dream home.

"Wow..." Captain Jack said.

Wow was right.

They followed the crowds along until they got to the giant telephone box in the middle of the city.

"This must be where the Doctor lives," Rory said.

**"Affirmative."**

"Let's go!" Deirdre said, wrenching the huge double doors open and stepping in.

Immediately, smoke started to fill the room.

"WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER!"

Captain Jack screamed and ran to hide behind Rory. Mickey pushed Deirdre in front of him and covered his eyes, trembling.

"Uh..." Deirdre said. "It is I, Deirdre, the small and meek."

"THAT'S A STUPID NAME."

"Well I didn't choose it!" Deirdre said, hands on her hips.

"YEAH, YEAH. WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Um... well, sir, Mickey the Idiot here would like a brain. Rory the Roman would like his heart. Captain Jack wants courage. And I just want... a unicorn!"

"A UNICORN?'

"Yes."

"WELL, FOR A GIFT AS BIG AND HARD TO GET AS THAT, YOU WILL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME."

"What?"

"GO TO THE TRAILER OF MARTHA, THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WILD WEST. I NEED YOU TO DEFEAT HER AND BRING HER BROOM BACK TO ME."

"Defeat her?" Deirdre asked. "You want me to kill her?"

"I DON'T WANT YOU TO KILL ANYBODY. KILLING IS NOT NICE," the voice of the Doctor boomed. "I JUST WANT YOU TO GET HER OFF OF MY SHOW. SHE'S STINKING UP THE PLACE WITH ALL THAT PERFUME AND HER SUGARY SWEET ATTITUDE."

"Oh, okay," Deirdre said. "That shouldn't be too hard."

"GO THEN."

And so Deirdre, Mickey, Rory, Captain Jack and K-9 were back on the road.

* * *

It didn't take them long to find Martha's trailer, considering it was covered with sparkles and her name.

Deirdre knocked on the door.

"What do want?" Martha flung the door open. "Oh, fans! Come in, come in!"

She ushered them into her trailer, which was just as sparkly as the outside and poured them all drinks. "What can I do for you?"

"Um..." Deirdre said. "There isn't anyway, you would leave Doctor Who if we asked you nicely, is there?"

Martha looked shocked. "Um, no. I love this show."

"You asked for it, then," Deirdre said. "ATTACK!"

Rory drew his sword and stood there, not really knowing what to do. Mickey ran around like the idiot he is. And Captain Jack got so scared he ran over to a corner and started flirting with the coatrack.

"What the-" Martha slammed her fist on a red button on the wall. "Security!"

Deirdre thought quickly, grabbed her glass of water that Martha had given her, and tossed it straight into Martha's face.

Martha shrieked. "NOOOOO!" She ran over to a mirror. "MY MAKEUP'S RUNNING! NOOOOO!" And she ran out of her trailer and far away, because she needed another extreme makeover and wouldn't be back on the show for a long time.

"Yay!" Deirdre cheered. She grabbed the broom that was leaning in the corner. "Let's go guys!"

Rory grabbed Mickey and Captain Jack grabbed his coatrack and ran off after Deirdre, back to the TARDIS Blue City.

* * *

"YOU SUCCEEDED?" the Doctor of Oz said when they returned to his box.

"Yes," Deirdre said. She placed the broom on the floor.

"OH GOODY!" The smoke filling the room suddenly shut off as the bright lights dimmed and a man stepped out from behind a curtain. "Now I can clean my floors!" He picked up the broom and started sweeping.

"You're the Doctor?" Deirdre asked in amazement.

**"Affirmative."**

"Oh, shut up, K-9. Is that the only thing you can say, anyway?"

**"Affirmative."**

Deirdre sighed.

"Well, since you got me my broom, I suppose I have to give you your gifts then, don't I?" The Doctor sighed and went behind his curtain again, bringing out a large cloth bag. "What was it that you wanted?"

"I would like to be smart!" Mickey said dumbly.

"Right," the Doctor said. "This'll be tough... um..." He dug around in his bag for a while, before pulling something out. "This should help."

Mickey took a small, flat, rectangular device with a glossy screen. "What is it?"

"It's a Smartphone," the Doctor said, turning it on. "You can look anything up on it. And because it's a Smartphone, you should have all the brains you need in that thing."

Mickey looked delighted. "Thank you so much!"

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Idiot," he muttered and waved Mickey aside. "How about you?" he asked Rory, who was next in line.

"I just want my heart back," Rory said sadly, looking at the floor.

"Well, that's easily fixed," the Doctor said. He whistled and a redhead came around the corner. She spotted Rory, shrieked and ran over, tackling him and snogging the life out of him.

"Amy!" Rory yelled happily when the redhead had come up for breath. And then he pulled her over to a corner and they began making out like there was no tomorrow.

The Doctor looked slightly disgusted. "Okay... and you?"

Captain Jack winked at him. "Well, I think you and I could have a lot of fun together later tonight..." The Doctor glared daggers at him. "But I'll just take some courage."

"Courage? That's an easy one!" The Doctor reached deep down into the bag and pulled out a ginormous gun. "Here you go."

"HECK YEAH!" Captain Jack said, snatching the gun and aiming it around the room while making shooting noises with his mouth.

"And you?" The Doctor turned to Deirdre.

"I want a unicorn!"

"Right..." the Doctor frowned. He reached into his bag and brightened. "Here you go!"

Deirdre stared at the ear of corn he had given her. "... Thank you?"

"Don't mention it," the Doctor said happily. "Is there anything else?"

Deirdre sighed. "I should probably be getting home."

"No problem! Where do you live?" the Doctor asked.

"Kansas."

"...Oh," The Doctor bit his lip. "I'm afraid that's too far away. But look!" He pointed at Deirdre's feet. "You have the ruby red Converse! They will take you anywhere you want to go!"

"Really?" Deirdre said.

"Of course!" And suddenly, Rose Tyler, the Good Witch of the Ninth, had appeared in the room.

"Rose!" the Doctor yelled, looking delighted. "Come here!" He grabbed her and began to snog her.

"Um..." Deirdre said.

Rose giggled and shoved the Doctor's face away for a moment. "Just prance around the room while making a 'Vworp vworp' noise." Then she commenced her snog session.

"Okay..." Deirdre said. She tightened the laces on her ruby red Converse and started to prance around the room. "Vworp vworp! Vworp vworp!"

Suddenly, everything started to spin. It spun faster and faster. Then everything was still. Absolutely still.

* * *

"DEIRDRE!"

Deirdre opened her eyes. "Oh no."

She was back on her farm... sadly, with her sisters.

Al grabbed her and hugged her. "WE THOUGHT YOU WERE LOST IN THE TORNADO!"

"I'm okay," Deirdre managed through the hug.

"GOOD!" Em said. "THEN YOU CAN MAKE US DINNER!"

And her sisters walked off to go watch some more reality television.

Deirdre sighed. Same old, same old. She got up from the ground that she was lying on and headed to the kitchen. Maybe, if she was lucky, her sisters wouldn't notice if she slipped sleeping pills in their food. She had to be ready.

_Doctor Who_ was on later.

THE

END


End file.
